Robin Palmer Blanche on Becoming a Death Doula

Twelve-time published novelist and produced screenwriter, Robin Palmer Blanche uses her talent to communicate coupled with her life experiences dealing with death and grief to guide individuals through the emotional, psychological, and social processes of death. As an end-of-life doula, Robin strives to shift conversations of death away from fear and to precious and present moments.

So what exactly is a death doula? Glad you asked. We recently chatted with Robin ahead of her September 14 talk at TEDxBatonRouge to discuss her interesting story of how she got to Baton Rouge, how she builds relationships with her clients, and what she’s looking forward to at TEDxBatonRouge. Highlights of our conversation are below. 

Your life and career have taken you from a screenwriter in Los Angeles and New York to an end-of-life doula in Baton Rouge. Tell us a little about what brought you here (career and/or location). 

After 17 years in Los Angeles as a Hollywood executive, I moved to New York to write books and screenplays. In 2012, I was living in a gorgeous converted barn with two cats. I was single; I didn't want children; and my life was very full with writing, friends and travel. 

That November I went to New Orleans to produce a movie for MTV. A few weeks in, a cute guy said hi to me in a coffee shop. Within six months I had rented out my barn and moved in with him in Baton Rouge, and a few months after that I began fertility treatments. I married the guy; stopped producing movies and started producing children; and am now the proud minivan-driving mom of Coco, age 8, and LB, age 7. 

As a writer, I like to think I know how to craft a pretty good story, but never in a million years did I think this would be mine. I tell people that I'm the poster child for the Your Life Can Change On a Dime Club. That made me more willing to let go of my plans of what things "should" look like and instead embrace what showed up in front of me. 

After my father's death in 2020 and my own brush with cancer, I became an end of life doula and grief educator. I think the fact that I have gone through so many dramatic changes in my life--including the death of my mother when I was six--allows me to really understand and empathize with people as they contemplate and deal with death and grief. 

I would imagine serving as a death doula requires a high level of trust with your clients. How do you go about building that relationship? 

Years ago, I met a fellow writer for coffee and at the end of our time together she said, "I can tell you're the kind of person who people tell their secrets to because they know they won't be judged." She was right. As a doula, I spend the majority of my time just listening. Sure, I can supply my clients with information and point them in the right direction on where to go for added support on various topics, but I'm not there to make decisions for them. "Doula" means to ‘serve as you walk beside’ and companion. 

Ultimately, I'm there to hold space for them as they come to their own realizations about what they want at the end of life, and to support them as they work through whatever fears and regrets may be holding them back. 

It's been my experience that when you allow people the dignity to process things in this manner rather than spoon feeding them advice about what you think they should do, it's an organic process and therefore easier for them to commit to with a lot less second guessing. 

In addition to working with people who are dying, I also do a lot of work with their family members. Being an impartial observer who doesn't have any skin in the game allows people to process things that they may not feel comfortable doing with parents or siblings at that time. In doing so, they're able to show up as their best selves without the heightened emotions that often get activated when someone is dying. 

In your experience, what are common themes that come up when you are helping people navigate end-of-life decisions? 

In my first doula training that I did, through INELDA (International End-Of-Life Doula Association), we talked about the importance of helping clients explore their R.U.G.S.--regrets, unfinished business, guilt, and shame. My experience has been that if they're willing to do this, it helps clear the space to make more empowered decisions about not just how they want to live out the end of their lives, but also what they want to leave behind as their legacy.

What I've found is that at the end of life, people want to spend as much time as possible just being with their loved ones. So far, no one I've worked with has said, "I sure wished I had spent more time on my career." 

Unfortunately, a lot of people are afraid to think about what they want at the end, which means that by the time I come into the mix, decisions are being made under duress. However, I'm finding it encouraging that a lot of people who are perfectly healthy with a lot more years ahead of them are coming to me wanting to do the work now rather than wait until they get a diagnosis. 

Being willing to explore their mortality sooner rather than later allows for thoughtful, intentional decisions to be made that are in line with someone's authenticity and integrity. 

In addition to my doula work, I also write people's legacy memoirs for them. Because of my screenwriting background, I know how to not just write down the facts, but how to craft a story with an emotional arc. To bear witness as people review and process their lives and to help them identify the themes is a huge honor and I've seen how it really helps them get closure in many areas.

The theme for TEDxBatonRouge is "think again," and each speaker interprets that in a different way based on their line of work or the idea they are sharing on stage. What does "think again" mean to you? 

To me, "think again," means allowing yourself a shift in perspective, which can end up changing your trajectory. A lot of times I'll ask my clients, "What's the story you're telling yourself?" As we explore that question, they'll sometimes discover that they're telling themselves a very old story that may or may not have even been true in the first place, but regardless, over the years it's accrued a lot of interest in their head and distorted their reality. Sometimes after unraveling the story, it allows them to take actions and make decisions they couldn't have imagined, which can bring great healing and peace. This comes in useful not just with people who are dying, but with family members as well.  

Your TEDxBatonRouge talk is coming up soon. How are you feeling about it? What are you doing to prepare? 

I'm a huge TED junkie, so I'm beyond honored and thrilled to be part of this program. As a writer and a writing teacher, I'm always telling people that anything you write is a work in progress. Sometimes that first draft comes out in fits and starts, but occasionally you have the experience that it just flows through a channel and it's like taking dictation. I'm very grateful that that's what the process for writing my script for this talk has been like for me. I have always read everything I've written out loud to myself to hear the flow, and in this case that's crucial. I'm pretty sure by the time this is over, my husband and kids will be able to recite it by heart as well. 

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